Dad Advice

Oh boy, this is going to be a fun one. I have a kid who is now 5 months old. Some things will get better, and some things will get worse, but for the most part, month 5 is so much better than the first 4. And month 4 was better than the first 3, and on and on.

I want to write this as advice I would have given myself 6 months ago. I don’t claim to be an expert, and everyone’s experience may vary. But I know what I was thinking then and what I wish I would have known.

No Permanent Damage

If you remember nothing else, if you ignore everything, drill this into your thick skull and leave it there. Remember this in the dead of night when you’re face down in the hallway wondering if it was a good idea to calm yourself down. Remember this when you take their little shirt off, and it has stupid buttons you forgot to undo, making a big ‘ol scratch on their little head.

At the end of the day, all the other advice is driving toward this one goal.

Leaving him to cry in his crib for ten minutes so you can calm down causes “No permanent damage.” Good. Catching your watch on his skin might leave a scratch, and you’ll feel terrible, but we learn, and it caused, say it with me, “No permanent damage.”

Belligerent Optimism

This is a complicated one. The reality of the situation is almost everything is going to change in ways that you can’t very well prepare for. But since you can’t prepare for them, it makes no sense to worry about them.
To this end, I started practicing belligerent optimism. To fight the “Just wait till teething” or “Just wait till they get sick at daycare,” simply say, “I’m sure it will be fine.”

Will it be fine? Yes. Will it be fun? Hell no. I’ve found some people like to scare new parents, and if you don’t play along, it seems to stop this fear mongering. You can acknowledge that yes, the first time they get sick will be scary without staying up late worrying about it.

The biggest example of belligerent optimism was our childbirth experience. The whole 9 months, I said, “it will be fine,” and oh my…. It was 5 stressful, boring, scary days in the hospital, taking everything one step at a time. But you know what? In the end, eventually, it was fine.

Industrial Hearing Protection

The same hearing protection used to stand next to jet engines and operate loud brush mowers works for screaming kids as well.
This isn’t ignoring the child; this is reducing the noise levels so your reptile brain doesn’t register the screaming as danger and send you into panic mode.

That might sound odd. That might sound like you need to just get used to it. It is a little odd, and you don’t get used to it. You just deal with it.

Don’t Listen to All the Advice

Ironic, I know. There are books and books about how to do things correctly by experts in 100 different aspects of baby care. Before having a baby, I felt like these books were often playing on parents’ fears, and that’s how they were so popular.
Now, after having cared for a child for 5 months, I am even more convinced of this.

Yes, your child might have some kind of issue, and yes, obviously, listen to the advice of the experts. But every single book seemed to have the line “But every baby is different.”
Instead of reading every book and hoping your child has the right problem, see what problem your child has, and then find the book – it’s definitely out there.

In our case, our child had one concerning issue that wasn’t covered in any book we read but is so common the nurses didn’t seem to blink twice. Small amounts of blood in his stool – apparently pretty common, usually allergies, sometimes not. Usually goes away. Those two sentences are all we needed to know. And it did end up going away.

Postpartum Depression

Remember being stuck at home during Covid lockdown and how horrible that was for your mental health?
Imagine that, but you’re also recovering from childbirth and have a tiny illogical human screaming at you at literally all hours of the day and night.

It seemed like everything we read talked about hormones and how that makes it so difficult. Now, your mileage may vary on hormones, but you can’t very well prepare for or really help much with hormones.
You know what you can prepare for? The screaming, the pain, and the loneliness. Talk through it, make a plan, execute the plan.

In our case, we set little goals that went something like this:

1. Go outside.
2. Walk to the end of the block.
3. Walk to the end of the block the other slightly longer way.
4. Walk around the block (we have a rather large “block”).

This ended up working very well because after the baby came, we did not have notions of going for runs or rock climbing. Baby steps.

Postpartum Feels…. For Men

Listen, I didn’t have a baby, but caring dads should prepare for this feeling. Try being stuck in a hospital room for 5 days, changing this tiny screaming child,
running back and forth to get everything for mom who has been ordered not to get out of bed.
Every hour, then every three hours, then every six hours, someone comes in, asks how mom is doing, asks if she needs anything, and then leaves. They’ll ask mom about how the baby is eating, diapers, behaving, all that. All the while ignoring dad.

After 4 days of doing everything except breastfeeding, not leaving the room, and keeping everyone updated, I was emotionally spent. Finally, on day 5, the nurse came in, did the usual “asking of the mom,” and then turned to me and asked if I needed anything.
I don’t know what I said – I meant to say, “No, but thank you so much for asking” – but before the nurse had even gotten to the door, I was in tears. I mean full-on ugly crying that someone had asked me how I was doing.

I don’t know how to prepare for this. I didn’t realize this was something that needed to be prepared for. But here we are.

If a man talking about how hard it was for him to have a kid is upsetting, I might suggest checking your toxic masculinity. It doesn’t always come from men.

The Diapers

Genuinely not that bad. Chill.

Get a Comfortable Chair for the Nursery

This was a big miss on our part. Don’t cheap out on the nursery chair. It will become your best friend. The last thing you want is, say, a chair that doesn’t recline or have really any features besides “You can sit here.”

Breastfeeding Is Actually Hard

My wife was worried about this, and it was easier than she feared but still has been difficult. The baby class we went to had like 10 different ways to feed your baby. Our baby liked one, and that’s what he’s used since about day 3.

Dad has no idea what breastfeeding is like. I’ve left it open to my wife to decide how she wants to handle it.

It’s Your Kid, Do What You Want

Well, within reason. You’re going to make mistakes, and that’s okay.

You might, say, wake up in the middle of the night to change him and playfully lift him in the air rapidly for a fun and exciting little ride, only to remember too late that a.) he HATES doing that, and b.) it’s 2 in the morning, stupid.
This may then trigger a terrified cry, and you feel horrible about it still.

For example.